Progress

Just keep thinking it.

Amy

Thanks for worrying/caring.

I'm fine, I swear.

:)

I am kind of messed up at the moment (tl;dr)

yesterday night I had an argument/discussion with my mum for ages and ages and ages. It went around in circles for a while, but I think that I finally got my point across.

So this morning I woke up and, despite my history SAC first period, I was really energetic. This lasted through essay-writing, chemistry and IT.

IT was especially good because I actually got stuff done (focus is hard when the internet is available), and I can talk about things that don’t matter at all with people who aren’t my close friends but still bother to talk to me when I’m around. It’s nice. Also during IT, my friend’s boyfriend (also a friend of mine) texted me to tell me “remember you are loved. Have a bright day.” (because a dream told him to.)

then, lunchtime (dundundunnnn). Started off really nicely, then all of a sudden, I just….started thinking, and feeling really really invisible, and I couldn’t stop. I had that feeling in my stomach and in my throat that’s half way between crying and being sick and I really didn’t want to do either. So I sat quietly on the step and watched everyone talk and laugh and I guess I was emitting waves of “fuck off” (although really in my head I was going “come closer, please, please.”) because the area around me got bigger and bigger.

Three people noticed this. Amy asked me if I was okay, and I said I was, really, because what else does anyone ever say in response to that question. She did a rather good job of making me smile. Katie let me cling to her for a bit.

And Phoebe (ihatemondays73, follow her) came and sat beside me and put her arm around me and let me snuggle into her side and was just there. And it felt like so long since someone had hugged me instead of the other way around, and whilst many people will claim there’s not a difference, there really is. When I felt more human again we rejoined the conversation, and Phoebe held my hand and I was kind of okay again, and thank you so much, Phoebe.

And as I went to my locker I started shaking (so maybe I was less okay than I thought) and I made sure to grab Phoebe as she walked passed and hug her and I said “thanks” and she said “anytime.”

<3

I’m always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone to let them know exactly what is in my head and keeping it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy and consistently so pushes people away, no matter if they say they’re always there to listen there is only so much even your best friends can listen too. On the otherhand to pretend that everything is fine is to poison yourself from the inside out; it is to ignore who you are and what your mind and lose yourself. So which is better? To have friends that think you are melodramatic, seeking attention, and pessimistic or to drown in your own mind? I honestly don’t know.

(via ohhsweetnothing)

I am changing my tumblr name.

Because I get the feeling I was spamming people's google readers and generally being annoying with the pages and pages of updates.

So; Important stuff goes here. This = RL blog.

:)

The Quickest Way To Ruin A friendship, Arsenic

Spencer looks at Ryan, looks and Jon's words from months before stick in his chest. They've never really left, not wholly and Spencer is nothing but the echo of, do you think we left him out? because Ryan isn't sitting on the cab bench in a state of solitary dignity. He is perched, perfectly composed. He is in the exact same position Spencer has seen him in a million times when Ryan's mom would ask if Spencer's could keep Ryan for a few days, or when Ryan would need Spencer to pick him up from his dad's, or sometimes after a hook up went badly. It is a posture that says, "unwanted, unwanted." And Ryan is carefully, stridently, looking at anything but the three of them.

11784.

9983.

good things that happened today:

slept till 12. Mum and dad are letting me go to Soundwave. Merlin airs today in the UK. cat snuggled with me for ages. Greg Saunders had the good hair on the episode of CSI I watched. Matthew Grey Gubler is in (500) days of Summer. Very peaceful day.

Bad things that happened today:

fought with Mum Re:Soundwave. slept till 12 (because of not being able to sleep until 1.30). UK is behind us, so no Merlin till monday at the latest. The episode of CSI Miami I saw had Speed instead of Ryan. Realisation that Horatio Caine=old Rick Astley. various other things that I cannot think coherently enough about to be subtle, succinct or diplomatic about.

TUMBLR IS DOWN. PANIC.

*sigh* I better get a new feature or two out of this, Tumblr. last time, you added Tumblupon, that's gonna be hard to top.

Uhm, in other news, has been a good last few days. Air is clear, have not angsted, nor been angsted at. Formal on thursday, am actually looking forward to it now, although not to being short in my tiny heels. :P

Then, of course, come the HOLIDAYS. two blessed weeks to study, study, get my wisdom teeth out, study, go for loooong walks because I always forget how much I love Koonung Trail, study, maybe go to Phillip island, actually get somthing done toward Syn, see people outside of the stressful context of school, study, and generally relax.

Also: Awesome Tamora Pierce is Awesome! Am now thinking in Common, hence the use of "blessed" above.

:)